Save Yourself

I am the poster child when it comes to frustration. I get frustrated with people, situations, and even myself. But I had an epiphany this evening. I get frustrated the most with people who refuse to be saved. You can take this many ways. Saved  from Satan, from an eating disorder, from an abusive relationship, from an addiction. I just get so annoyed because I have once been in a few (not all, Praise God) of the previous situations. I have been, and still am, a sinner. I have had an eating disorder, and I am in recovery despite the fact that I still have “bad” days. Being saved from all of the above is not so simple, but it all starts with one thing: a decision.

Here is a simpler analogy: I love to travel. I desire to travel everywhere, and I’m itching to get outta this country once more, or.. at least to the West Coast. I understand that’s not something that everyone wants. But when I share my stories, my adventures, people escape for a moment. For a moment, the audience, be it my grandparents or a room full of friends, are on that adventure with me. And it sounds fun to them! Soooo why don’t you want it for yourself? Do you think you’re undeserving? Not bold enough? I just want to say, “Like, what’s the issue?”

Which… Is exactly why I get so frustrated with others. For a long time, I spent my life in such a dark place of hatred and anger. At the time it was not particularly easy to see the “light.” But one day I had enough. I was tired of starving myself. I was tired of hating every part of myself. After a long road of living with my own unhappiness, I realized that I had enough, and that my confidence had literally dissolved. I was going nowhere. I actually believe that my relationship with God is what saved me from my disorders. He loved me when I hated myself. I am so thankful that long before one simple decision to save my body that I had made another simple decision that saved my soul.

That’s how I feel about aforementioned burdens. It’s such a simple decision, but certainly not an easy process. But do you know what that simple decision holds? Promise. Promise for eternal life and love if you accept Jesus Christ into your heart. A healthier, fuller future if you choose recovery from an eating disorder or an addiction. A happier, more independent road if you choose to free yourself from an abusive relationship.

I know that people of all faiths and walks of life read this blog. I’m not telling you what to do because quite frankly, I can’t save you. You can only save yourself. What I am telling you is that if you’re struggling right now, I beg you to consider these simple decisions. What do you want? Make that decision and tell someone, and the rest will fall into place.

The Perfect Diet: What will you lose when you learn how to properly stay “hungry?”

I wish that actual published magazines would advertise tips like the following that are infinitely more beneficial to our health, happiness, and quality of life. On that note, I would like to add that I would rather obsess over movies, glasses, and running shoes than food. I would rather be described as bold, fierce, hilarious or kind than skinny. If you’re with me, this diet is perfect for you!

I have the perfect diet to help you lose pounds… of burdens, fears, unhappiness, and it all boils down to staying hungry! For life that is. ;) When I say “stay hungry,” I mean, don’t ever be content; don’t settle. There is always room for a little improvement; whether that is education, experience or growth! When you stay hungry this is what you will lose: insecurities. Your growth and change will make you feel invincible. That comes in handy when you encounter those sprinkles of hardship too. Your boredom will shrink and practically melt off when you adhere by this menu! Your productivity and energy levels will rise because you are burning off all those extra doubts. However there will be TEMPTATIONS in this diet. You will be tempted by negativity, and you will want to make decisions based upon other people and not your own feelings. You will be tempted by laziness, but when you finally pull through you will realize it was all worth it. Here is the perfect recipe for staying hungry:

A lot of charity

It kills me to see perfectly capable people waste their time and talents by being indifferent about a cause they claim to “care” about. Something as simple as running (OR walking) a 5k can raise great awareness AND funds for said cause. I suggest 5Ks because I’m a runner, but there are so many other types of charity events out there: fashion shows, dances, car shows. Pick one or have one yourself!

In the past, I’ve helped to coordinate the Columbus NEDA Walk. That is a little different because I had a whole organization planning and preparing with me. More recently I’ve taken on a carwash/bake sale for the American Cancer Society, and although I have familial and local support, it’s still scary because it was my brainchild; my idea; my planning. It could be huge. It could also be a failure. And let me sum up how I feel about that in an illustration of my favorite Lana Del Rey lyric:

(exhibit A)

A burst of confidence

Speaking of trying, I love a good leap of faith. Recently, my bff beasted her graduate school applications with acceptance into many top-notch schools, but namely the good ol’ Harvard. I had no doubt that she would do well; she’s a hard worker, organized, and goal-oriented. But do you think she would have applied if she didn’t have an inkling of hope that she would succeed? I am so happy to be friends with such a deserving and brave individual. I am so glad she went for it! I hate to think of others who do not “apply” themselves because they’re afraid of failure. Again, if you experience this failure, see exhibit A. Oh and try, try again.

A pinch of contentment

Stay content long enough to long for adventure again! Contentment leads to that indifference I was speaking about earlier.

A sprinkle of hardship

I don’t actually wish you smooth sailing because then you would be spoiled and much less compassionate. I have grown to be thankful for all the bad situations I have encountered because without the struggle, there would be no victory. And the good times wouldn’t be nearly as sweet!

A spark of anger
While you shouldn't be angry all the time, I hope you have just enough anger so that a fire is lit under your rear and motivates you to take care of business! As Tina Fey says, "Bitches get stuff done." And that is correct.

Discomfort

If you don’t leave your comfort zone at least once every month-ish, then you’re not even giving yourself a chance to grow. Comfort is different for all of us; therefore being uncomfortable also has different meanings. For some, hopping on a plane and flying to Norway would make them uncomfortable. For me, that would be freaking awesome, let’s go! For others, simply approaching a stranger may cause discomfort. Maybe singing at karaoke sounds horrifying to you. Personally, wearing a bikini is kind of disconcerting, especially after my little wardrobe malfunction on vacation last year, but I do it. What am I going to do? Cover up because I’m afraid people are judging me? Am I going to wear a wetsuit for the rest of my vacations? I still have “fears” that my eating disorder tricked me into thinking I have, but I know that if I don’t face my discomforts, that I am not really healing anymore.

Silliness

Enough said.

Stay hungry, my friends!

 

I Had No Idea

I Had No Idea

that what I was doing was self destructive. I thought that it was normal to record every detail of every meal I ate into a calorie diary. I thought it was normal to eventually reduce my diet to a bagel in the morning, a smoothie in the afternoon.. I thought it was okay to calculate the number of calories I consumed so that I could go to the gym for hours to work it off.

I had no idea that I had anorexic habits until I moved to college.

My bad habits began when I was a junior in high school. I was a perfectionist. I had to be the best at everything. I had to be at the top of my class, president of everything, and queen of everything musical. My eating habits appeared to be normal because I was always on the move. I was rarely at home, and I was seventeen. I fainted in the band bleachers at a football game toward the end of my junior season, and somebody had to go get my mom so that she could take me home. The fainting at that point was from "anxiety" according to the doctor. Not that I was 5'8" and less than one hundred pounds. That year I was given a pill to take when I felt "anxious." Thankfully I thought that was a load of bull, so I never took the pill.

The next year, my senior year, I felt more pressure than ever to be perfect. I was applying to college, schools my friends were not applying to. As I received acceptance letter upon acceptance letter, I felt more pressure to make the right choice. After visiting twice, I fell in love with the architecture program at Ohio State, and accepted the invitation to attend and participate in the Architecture Scholars Program. In the meantime, I sought after first chair flute in the District 17 Honor Band while trying to choose the most outstanding solo piano piece for my final recital. I was attending practice for "The Wizard of Oz" while also participating in our high school's variety show and preparing for auditions for a summer musical. Looking back, I literally don't know how I didn't implode with stress. I had no idea. I thought that was normal.

When I got to Ohio State, my hatred for food grew to the extremes. I was in a new environment with no one to supervise my habits. I began to reduce and reduce my food intake. When I did indulge, I hated myself. My family would visit and take me to dinner, and when the damage was done I would cry about it. My self confidence was at its lowest despite my typically upbeat attitude. I owe that to the great friends that I made in the Scholars program.

I realized that my obsessive behavior was destroying me when I attended a FYE (First Year Experience) class about eating disorders. Every single characteristic applied to me. When the instructor asked the class to write down ten things I liked about myself, I could not come up with one. I was ashamed of my body. My self.

I had no idea that I was so unhealthy.

And neither do thousands of other young women and men like me. These behaviors are normalized by radical diets, unrealistic photoshopping, the ever-thinning models on the runway and in magazines. And those examples are only the beginning. We internalize the need to become smaller. To take up less space. To disappear.

That's why I am here. To raise awareness of this nasty mental illness that consumes the beautiful minds of so many women and men. Eating disorders do not discriminate. They effect people of all sexes, races, religions, socioeconomic positions. If you are struggling, I urge you to tell someone. In the beginning, I was scared. Only a few people knew. But the more I share my story, the stronger I feel. Having an eating disorder does not make you weak. You are stronger than the disorder.

I pray you find the peace that you deserve.

It's Thanksgiving, bros.

My wish with this list is to comically relieve you of the seriousness the holiday season brings. ;) I kept a list this week of things I am thankful for, but no. No, no. Not a sappy list of the people I love (I think that's pretty obvious). I wanted to provide a list of unconventional blessings; and thus this list was born. I hope you have a blessed and hopefully hilarious Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for... (in no particular order)

ice cream

sunshine (when I get to see it)

smiles- smiling is my favorite.

my goofy, hilarious and extremely vulgar co-workers. One day I randomly revealed this thought to the office: "Isn't the concept of having a pet dog really bizarre? We could choose to domesticate any animal. We could have pet squirrels. And we choose dogs only." After our regional manager stared at me for a few seconds, she responds to my epiphany, "You're f***ing f***ed in the head, man." Needless to say, I stood in her office and cried... from laughter. 

shrimp

Bailey's- Not only does it make my last name seem cooler, but it also promotes under-the-table alcoholism (i.e. Bailey's in your coffee).

kind souls- I'm a sucker for a kind soul.

little kids in glasses- also a sucker for little kids in glasses.

my cat

Harry Potter

Led Zeppelin

anger management- Even though I've never been (although it's been suggested), I can always use it in a sentence and scare the pants off of people. "I didn't go to anger management for this." It's believable and terrifying.

Tina Fey

long-sleeved t-shirts

rainy nights- Since I already cannot/do not sleep, rain on the roof ca. 12am is like an actual lullaby from God.

Les Miserables- Specifically "I Dreamed a Dream." Singing/crying to that song in my car makes for some hilarious therapy. No matter how sucky your life may be, you're still not a French prostitute.

Beastie Boys (in the morning)

David Bowie (at night)

Random dogs that come into my office.

my intense hearing- If my senses weren't always heightened, I wouldn't ever have caught my neighbor outside in his underwear, throwing a pumpkin shot-put style.

delirious laughter- There is nothing as hilarious as the feeling of laughing when you have no idea why you are (hunger, sleep deprivation. I usually experience a combination of both. Ahem... ARCHITECTURE SCHOOL).

inappropriate laughter- Okay actually there is nothing as hilarious as laughing when you know you shouldn't be. 

The British Invasion- If these artists didn't storm the US, I would have no identity.

Disney

The weirdos on High Street who cause me to run faster (to get away from them).

Chuck Taylors

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YA'LL! <3 font="">

Sorry, Not Sorry

My nephew fell off a stool a few weeks ago, but thankfully Super-Aunt (that's me) caught him. When he began falling and reaching for something to catch himself, he knocked my make-up bag off the counter. "I sorry," the two-year-old said (and totally broke my heart) as if I were upset with him. That is a basic example of a physical reason a person may have to "apologize."

I already cannot stand when people generally apologize for everything they do, but I get really upset when I notice that my female friends apologize for things that men do not.

A great friend of mine was talking to me about her job and her skills in her field. She said, "I'm sorry, but I am great with people and our clients love me." My response was, "Why are you sorry for that? It's a talent. Don't apologize for your talent."

If you know me at all, you know I am a pianist. If you know me well enough, you know I'm a good one. It's not a topic I shout about from the rooftops everyday, but it does pop up in conversation occasionally. When new acquaintances find out about my skill it's almost a guarantee they ask, "Are you good?" (This really makes me angry, by the way). Here is an appropriate list of answers I could give to that question: I can read any damn thing you put in front of me. I've had more recitals than you've had girlfriends. I am better than Taylor Swift. (Okay, that's not a very good answer). I am great. Here is the answer I always give, "I hope so."

It is ingrained in the female brain that being over-confident is the equivalent of being a "bitch." On the other hand, a lack of confidence is not attractive. This sounds like a broad generalization, but there are examples everywhere in pop culture. It's the plot to every teen-movie you've ever seen. The confident girls are popular and always portrayed as manipulative bitches. There is an underdog who makes bad fashion choices and has never had a boyfriend; the subject of everyone's laughter. The (by default) unattractive girl gets a make-over, then gets a little confidence, and suddenly! The man of her dreams. Because that is what truly matters! [I could get into real academic mode and breakdown examples of confidence racially, sexually, and socioeconomically. That will come at another time, likely to be in the form of film critiques.]

Most women try to hover around the middle (post-underdog status) by stating their confidence with an apology attached. Usually the apology is the prelude to the actual statement of self-confidence or knowledge of self. It's like saying, "Hey, I'm about to say something really nice about myself, almost like a compliment! But I don't want you to think I'm arrogant, so I'm going to apologize before I give said compliment."

Apologize when you step on someone's dog. Say you're sorry when you miss a birthday or worse, drop someone's birthday cake. Apologize for situations that deserve an apology!

If you did something great, celebrate it! If you feel beautiful, say it! Stop apologizing for your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions, and your talents.

I'm not a feminist, but...

I'm not a feminist but...

That statement has been thrown at me many times, by males and females. I am usually offended and always taken aback. I'm pretty sure I was born a feminist, so when someone is afraid to identify with that word it's kind of a slap in the face. It would be comparable to me saying, "I'm not a Caucasian, but..." If I display all the signs of being a Caucasian (i.e. buying a pumpkin spice latte the first day of the season, wearing leggings with Uggs) then I am a damn Caucasian. I might as well fess up and be proud. Okay, okay, I'll be serious now. That analogy was obviously a joke, but I really do encounter many people who are THE definition of feminism but are too scared to own it.

This is my way of explaining feminism: Have you ever witnessed something that you thought was totally unfair? Maybe it was something really elementary. Maybe you were walking somewhere ("provocative" clothing or not) and you were harassed. Maybe it's something deeper. Maybe your mom was abused your entire life. Maybe your sister was raped and the rapist roams free because laws against sexual crimes and the stigma placed upon victims in this country is a joke. Either way, you witnessed this "thing" and suddenly became very passionate about it. This "thing" made you think, "WOW THAT IS REALLY UNFAIR. I WANT TO CHANGE IT FOR OTHERS." That is how I feel about feminism. I have witnessed many unfair things in my life and most of the situations can be owed to sexism and to the general patriarchy. People sometimes laugh at me as if my passion is a stand-up comedy act. I'm not trying to be funny when I vent about street harassment, lack of sexual education, lack of women in congress, and violence against women. I am however trying to be funny when I make FUN of  the Kardashians, PSLs, Donald Trump, and leggings with Uggs. Do not get those mixed up.

I have dissected the reasoning behind the fear of identifying with feminism. Some of them are actually understandable. Some of them make me want to rip my own head off.

Social fear: Identifying as a Feminist will hurt my image.
This reason is one that makes me want to rip my own head off. I haven't ever "socially feared" much. I've worn snow pants under a pencil skirt on Lane Avenue for heaven's sake! My attitude toward the ridiculous things I do in public applies to my political views as well. I'm not (overly) obnoxious with them, but if the subject comes up I will not hesitate to voice my beliefs. I have had many a casual conversation with friends who laughed at my Women's Studies minor, insisting they couldn't take a class because it wouldn't be "cool." I have seen guys silently stand by while their friends woman-bash and degrade my gender, reducing us to bodies and sexual objects. (On the other hand, I have seen totally awesome guys make the jerks cut it out, stat!) I have spoken with adult men who try to flirt with me by calling my passion for equality "cute" because they're actually really intimidated by me. Men and women alike have this fear that if they passionately stand up for something, it will make them less cool in the eyes of their friends.. Or even worse. Facebook friends..



Tradition: Masculine jobs deserve masculine pay.
Traditionally men work in more physically-demanding jobs. Traditionally these men get paid more than women for doing more physical labor than women. No worries, I had this conversation with my Papaw (who is one of my absolute favorite people on the planet). I was a sophomore in Ohio State's grueling architecture program, and I had just declared my minor in Women's Studies. "Are you a feminist?" I asked him. He actually laughed. I got so angry that I couldn't see straight, and that is rare, my friends. I straightened that out real fast. I put it in perspective for him after he used the "Men should get paid more than women because they do more work" BS response. "So I work my ass off in architecture school, and I get paid less than the men in my position because I'm a woman? Explain that one to me." He couldn't because he agreed. He understands that his previous position was rather asinine, which is why I'm using this example. Miracles are real!


Feminists are a bunch of hairy, man-hating, radical, bra-burning wastes of women. 
NEWSFLASH: You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman. I would also like to add that I've been a feminist for years and that I am not hairy (although it's YOUR choice to be hairy or hairless and we will love you no matter what), I love men, and that I do wear a bra..sometimes (again- that's a choice!). This reasoning also goes back to the social fear and the fear that this word may taint one's image- Good golly! Feminists come in all races, genders, sexualities, ethnicities, and religions. Feminists come from all professions. Some feminists have no children; some feminists have eight children. Some feminists never marry. Some have been married three times. And some are with the one love of their life forever. That's the beauty of feminism. It's not limited to one type of person. And guess what! There are different types of feminisms! International feminism is one of my faves. There is a feminist movement for everyone! Own it!

Feminism is for weak women who need special recognition.
I have had a few male friends who make fun of feminism because a word that is clearly promoting women does not describe a movement for ALL equality (aka egalitarian). A very intelligent (male) friend once said, "I don't support feminism. We don't need it. Why should we treat women more special? What's that gonna do?" All I could muster was, "LOL U MUST B JOKIN." Okay so the conversation actually took place face-to-face, so I didn't have that reaction. I sat in stunned silence that this is actually a belief. Feminism is not about special treatment. It's about equality for EVERYONE, and since anyone who identifies as a WOMAN has been oppressed at some point in her life, it is a movement to eradicate that oppression and create equality for ALL. Honestly, I don't believe that we should have a women's history month, day, etc. We shouldn't have to have a special occasion for that because (great) women should be celebrated every day! And fellas, let me say, I love it when a dude can genuinely say, "I'm a feminist." It tells me that your head is in the right place and out of your privileged bums!

I'm not a feminist, but...

The truth is the "but..." is exactly what makes you a feminist. So get over it already!

Body Peace Pep Talk

Sometimes anorexia has a way of creeping up behind me and poking me on the shoulder to remind me she is there. I am very practiced in the art of turning around and punching her in the face. And that's what this is. It's a pep talk for me, but it's also for you. Because you deserve to feel beautiful. Everyday.

You need to stay healthy. There is so much that lies ahead of you; positive and negative situations that you have to be able to tackle. Don't give up now. You have marathons to run, countries to explore, adventures to create. By hating yourself you are limiting your amazing mind and eliminating great opportunities from your life. Hating your body will literally take you backwards. Who wants to go there?

You have a nephew whose happiness largely relies on your energy level. And you simply can't keep him happy if you're not healthy. You can't chase him, swing him, build his train tracks, or carry him on your shoulders if you are weak. Know what the best thing about him is? He doesn't give a flying crap what you look like! He loves you and thinks you're the most fun person on the planet! You must be strong for him.

You have a sister who looks up to you; not just her. So many other girls look up to you. You are a coach, and you are an instructor. When you see the innocence of the girls you teach, you must work to preserve that. You're not only coaching them in running or teaching them to play an instrument. You are teaching them how to treat themselves. They are learning how to love themselves from you. They are innocent of negative body image, and it's up to you to keep it that way. You must love yourself not only for your own peace, but so you can spread the peace to others. It is up to you to raise a more loving and accepting generation.

You cannot be a champion bug assassin if you are weak. Your roommate needs you to kill those big, nasty spiders, and your mind simply won't be as sharp if you're malnourished. But she needs you too. For more than the spider-killings. All of your friends need you. You're weird, silly, honest, and loyal. A lot of other weirdos rely on those qualities, and you can't be there for them if you're too busy hating your body.

That's the beauty of loving yourself. When you love your body, you are free.