I wandered in the store, covered in sweat and bugs from my latest trail run, longing for Chipotle which was so far away. But I was on a mission. I needed a nut driver (lol) and some mace since mine was MIA. I walked to the tool section. Not a nut driver in sight. They had pink screwdrivers for crying out loud! But not even a nut driver. Sidetracked because of my intense hunger, I found myself admiring bath towels. Then decorative throws. I ran my shaky hand across a red one. I could just lie down on the floor with this. And sleep. Forever.
Really pleasant thoughts to have at Target, lemme tell ya.
With Target having me under its Target Spell, I walked aimlessly into the candle section and smelled every candle in the place. So hungry, I thought, I'm actually going to melt into these scents and fade away. I snapped out of it, remembering the sweetness of the guacamole that awaited me. Suddenly I found myself in the exercise section. I picked up two purple dumbbells and put them in my basket. I need these. I need to be strong. I realized I was looking for mace.
I found a kindred spirit (aka a Target employee), who I sensed also hated people, near the Cheetos. "Do you carry mace?" He stared at me pitifully. I couldn't tell if he was staring at the mascara smudged across my face, the bugs that had perished on my body, or the dirt that lined my ankles. This kindred spirit/secret hater named Arthur walked me aisles away to the appropriate section and got me some mace.
Carrying my basket of mace and weights, I thought, Damn, this basket is heavy. Oh yeah, there are weights in there. Duh. I found a checkout line that looked longer than the trails I had just run. A woman got in line behind me. She stood so closely to me that I kicked my basket a few inches ahead and moved. She moved with me. I had no choice but to give her some serious side eye. I was starving! How dare she!
Then-- the treacherous journey to Chipotle. I thought it was going to be a fast drive from T to C. But I also thought I was going to faint. I wasn't so sure I could make it. Although I know the area like the back of my hand, I took a wrong turn which delayed me severely. There was no way out. Only a bunch of one-way turns and a lot of pedestrians. It's not my proudest moment, but I'll admit, I considered hitting a human being with my car to get to Chipotle. When I finally parked, I walked out in front of some jackwagon driving a Mercedes. Because.. Try me. Also, food.
I finally hobbled into Chipotle and began to order from the adorable employee. "Burrito bowl, please." "Do you want any beans with--" But suddenly I felt something bite my ass cheek. "Excuse me, I'm sorry, I think there is a bug in my pants." Without thinking, I'm in a public space right now, I reached my hand up into my spandex to get the little sucker out. Bug-free, I finished my order. I took it to go because I just wanted to go home and take my pants off. On the way to the car, giving absolutely no shits whatsoever, I stuck my trail/Target/bug-in-the-spandex hands into the chip bag and delivered the saltiest, most glorious chip I've ever tasted to my desperate lips.
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