Abuse Is Not Love

I have personally not been in a violent relationship, but for a large portion of my life, I was a first-hand witness to a very unhealthy, abusive relationship. That is the reason I have become so dedicated to spreading awareness about this type of violence. In the winter, I wrote my first feature-length screenplay (hopefully it will make it to a theatre near you and truly educate those who need it most!), and it featured a character who had been deeply affected by domestic violence. During my writing process, I consulted some amazing women who told me about their experiences with their abusive (and ex!) partners. I already knew the warning signs, but their input educated me on a whole new level.

With all that being said, this is an odd thing for me to include in my writing, but I'm going to do so anyway. If you are reading this because you are trying to figure out what relationship scarred me or if you are trying to figure out who I interviewed to write my script, then you can stop now and kindly go back to middle school where you belong with your maturity level. If you are here to support the fight against domestic violence, carry on! I love people like you!

The United States Department of Justice defines domestic violence as "a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone."

What most people, including victims, don't know is that one form of domestic violence can easily snowball into any or all of the forms listed above. What may start as a boyfriend who tells you to lose weight or occasionally calls you nasty names may turn into a husband who completely isolates you from your family and tricks you into being financially dependent. This is why knowing the warning signs is SO IMPORTANT. I will list them below!

It starts with obsession and intensity. The abuser will become fixated on you and insist on moving in together or getting serious or married very early in the relationship. Constant texts, phone calls, emails and Facebook messages are also a warning sign. There is a difference between gestures of love and straight-up obsession.

The abuser will easily become jealous of you and exhibit this jealously with irrational behavior or accusations. An abuser will become easily angered when their victim experiences positive changes such as a job promotion or something that may give the victim independence. (Whereas a normal, loving partner would be dang happy for you!) The abuser will also behave irrationally and resentfully when you spend time with friends and family. It's all about control.

Your abuser may sabotage you by making you miss an important event, critical to your success or well-being or maybe just happiness in general (a doctor appointment, job interview or friend's wedding). Your abuser may also sabotage you by hiding your money, keys, or personal belongings that give you mobility or freedom from their behaviors.

An abuser overreacts to the smallest of events. Maybe you burned dinner or forgot an item at the grocery store. A normal person would get over it. An abusive person will make your life a living hell over that small detail and may even become angry or violent at the "mistake." Which brings me to my next point. These are not "mistakes." The abuser makes you think that it's your fault that he overreacted or became violent. He will criticize everything you do, down to how you vacuum the rug. Nothing you do will ever satisfy his critical, abusive nature.

When the abuser does overreact or become violent, he will try to blame you or guilt you for what happened. Sometimes the abuser will try to lead you to believe that you are crazy.

I am here to tell you that none of this is your fault. If jealousy, anger, control, sabotage, criticism, and anger are core characteristics of your relationship, you deserve better. You deserve love. Abuse is not love.

If you are in an abusive relationship, and you feel the need to take action, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

If someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please exercise caution with their situation. They are in much more danger than you are, so please do not do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or threatened. Educate them and support them, but know that ultimately, leaving the abuser is their choice.