It's the Peace Mobile's 4th birthday, and as usual I thought I'd celebrate four years of spreading peace and hope by... Spreading more peace and hope! Enjoy!
To make a long story short, 2014 was a hell of a year. Not in the way I had imagined.
In the summer I was diagnosed with depression. If you've never been diagnosed with this, I'm sure you can imagine that it's not the most fun thing to be told. I refused to believe it at first, but it made sense. I had trouble eating, sleeping, and I had little to no hope for my own future. I felt stuck in my own job, and I felt talentless and pointless. I incessantly worried for my grandfather and my family. My eating disorder drug me down as I tried to train for the marathon. I hit rock bottom when I cried about eating a bowl of blueberries. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I just physically couldn't. I felt sick. After that incident I sought help.
Then as autumn approached, my grandfather became more ill and eventually passed away. For awhile I felt guilty for not being there when he passed. Maybe I could have said something funny to relieve everyone of their anguish. Maybe if I had just more day with him. Maybe this, maybe that. Then one day I was thinking to myself about the events that happened, and I said, "I'm glad I wasn't there." Holy epiphany. I'm glad I wasn't there. It would have been too painful, and that's a pain that I could not have handled. I came to peace with the fact that I wasn't supposed to be there.
You know that "live each moment as if it's your last" bit? Yeah, that's no joke. I had no idea when I stepped on that ship that I would never see Papaw again. I had no idea that 2014 was my last year with him. But you know what? I always lived every moment with him, loving him with my whole heart and soul. A lot of laughter, some tears, and infinite love. I have no regrets.
I finally got on the right track to becoming healthy again-- physically and mentally. Papaw, nor any of my family members, would want me to live such an unhappy, worrisome life.
I am here to tell you that there is hope. You know that little saying, "Do more of what you love?" That's what I started doing. I started writing more. Much, much more. I began to read more. I ran when my body felt like it. I played piano to my heart's content. I sang loudly. I played my flute. I baked goodies for my friends. I laughed with my loved ones. I napped with my cat. I binge-watched Saturday Night Live.
And I felt my soul come to life again.
My writing has lead me to grow in a way I didn't realize was possible, and I'm looking at my dream job square in the face. Just a few more months of hard, passionate work, and I am positive I will get it. There is a fiery confidence in me that I didn't have before.
I beg you, if you are struggling with depression right now, please understand that there is light and hope at the end of that nasty, lonely tunnel. Please seek help if you need it. Message me if you need to. I hope you can read my story and understand that there is happiness within and you're so close to having it- I know it. It's not a simple fix, but you do have the power to change the way you look at yourself. You are strong and brave and worthy of all your dreams. Now go out there and make it happen!
Love always,
Jamie
