I Had No Idea
that what I was doing was self destructive. I thought that it was normal to record every detail of every meal I ate into a calorie diary. I thought it was normal to eventually reduce my diet to a bagel in the morning, a smoothie in the afternoon.. I thought it was okay to calculate the number of calories I consumed so that I could go to the gym for hours to work it off.
I had no idea that I had anorexic habits until I moved to college.
My bad habits began when I was a junior in high school. I was a perfectionist. I had to be the best at everything. I had to be at the top of my class, president of everything, and queen of everything musical. My eating habits appeared to be normal because I was always on the move. I was rarely at home, and I was seventeen. I fainted in the band bleachers at a football game toward the end of my junior season, and somebody had to go get my mom so that she could take me home. The fainting at that point was from "anxiety" according to the doctor. Not that I was 5'8" and less than one hundred pounds. That year I was given a pill to take when I felt "anxious." Thankfully I thought that was a load of bull, so I never took the pill.
The next year, my senior year, I felt more pressure than ever to be perfect. I was applying to college, schools my friends were not applying to. As I received acceptance letter upon acceptance letter, I felt more pressure to make the right choice. After visiting twice, I fell in love with the architecture program at Ohio State, and accepted the invitation to attend and participate in the Architecture Scholars Program. In the meantime, I sought after first chair flute in the District 17 Honor Band while trying to choose the most outstanding solo piano piece for my final recital. I was attending practice for "The Wizard of Oz" while also participating in our high school's variety show and preparing for auditions for a summer musical. Looking back, I literally don't know how I didn't implode with stress. I had no idea. I thought that was normal.
When I got to Ohio State, my hatred for food grew to the extremes. I was in a new environment with no one to supervise my habits. I began to reduce and reduce my food intake. When I did indulge, I hated myself. My family would visit and take me to dinner, and when the damage was done I would cry about it. My self confidence was at its lowest despite my typically upbeat attitude. I owe that to the great friends that I made in the Scholars program.
I realized that my obsessive behavior was destroying me when I attended a FYE (First Year Experience) class about eating disorders. Every single characteristic applied to me. When the instructor asked the class to write down ten things I liked about myself, I could not come up with one. I was ashamed of my body. My self.
I had no idea that I was so unhealthy.
And neither do thousands of other young women and men like me. These behaviors are normalized by radical diets, unrealistic photoshopping, the ever-thinning models on the runway and in magazines. And those examples are only the beginning. We internalize the need to become smaller. To take up less space. To disappear.
That's why I am here. To raise awareness of this nasty mental illness that consumes the beautiful minds of so many women and men. Eating disorders do not discriminate. They effect people of all sexes, races, religions, socioeconomic positions. If you are struggling, I urge you to tell someone. In the beginning, I was scared. Only a few people knew. But the more I share my story, the stronger I feel. Having an eating disorder does not make you weak. You are stronger than the disorder.
I pray you find the peace that you deserve.
